Zorunsuz Vahşet

Selam

Biraz size kitabımdan bahsedeyim, Zorunsuz Yalnızlık.

Vahşetin dehşeti, dehşette vahşetin yayılması!

Tamam, müthişim, süper bir Türkçem vardır hatta harikayım! Yani bir Türkçe yazarım, hayranlıktan ölürsünüz!

Bu ne? Bu da ben değilim…

Ben bekledikleri olmak istemedim ki! Olamadıysam da, ah işte! Cevabım oydu!

Tamam, ikinci fincan kahve üstüne… Bir aralar çok kahve içmeyeyim, dantellerim solmasın dedim, sonra günde iki fincan! Al ben!

Ben bu muyum?

Yazmaya başladım çok uzun yıllar önce. Başta onu düşündüm. Ben de birisiyim, kendi duygularımı anlatmasam da anlatılacak duygular var diye. Sonra hani herkes bir diğerine çarpmaya çalıştığında travma yaratmak isteyerek gelir ya. Hani, “Tamam, o konuda düşündün ama biraz naif mi gitmişsin? Kendin olarak yazdın da, sen olmayan ben olarak düşüncemi bilmek ister misin?” diye başlamaz ya kimse.

Doğrudan dalarlar! “Kadın kitabı bu, erkekler okumaz! Bir ancak kadın yazar basan kitap evi var, oraya git!”den başlayıp; bir noktada, “Sen fazla duygusalsın, sen gerçekçi bir yazar olamazsın!” konusuna kadar.

Kendimden pek bahsetmeyeceğim ama kısaca, ben öfkelendim mi çok öfkelenirim!

Taa o bazılarınızın henüz doğmadığı yıllardı. Ben de dedim, kişilik değil önce doğma avantaj böbürümle anlatayım ne olduğunu!…

Ama bu da ben değilim…

Neyse, sen fazla duygusalsın, gerçekçi yazar olamazsın deyince, hani gençlik… Tamam tamam, kızdım ben, dedim yapayım size gerçek!

Zorunsuz Yalnızlık kurgusunu ilerletmeye başladım. Tuhaf karakterler buldum serpiştirdim. “Gerçek kurgu mu istedin, al sana çok fazla gerçek! Şimdi ne diyeceksin!” diye yazdım.

Sonra da vahşet, dehşet dediler ama…

Sorum şu oldu…

Kendinin bile kabul edemeyeceğin gerçeklikleri kabul edemiyorsan, neden kimilerinin gerçek diyebileceğini duymak istedin?

Kimisine de gerçek o, bilmedim diye mi başta yazmak istemedim?

Sonra korkunç roman olmuş, bazıları üçüncü bölümden sonra okumaya devam edemiyor, bazıları yüz sayfadan sonra kalp burukluğu ile ağızlarında acı tat, burulup anca bitiriyor.

Size anlatırım neden söylenenlerin söylendiğini ama bilin, usu ile düşünene ‘fazla duygusalsın!’ denilirse belki dehlizlerinizde ne varsa o çıkabiliyor.

Kalp kırmak ne kolay, değil mi? Fazla duygusalsın, fazla korkunç olmuş…

Sanırım bazı fazlasın denilenleri bu dünyada, var oluşta fazla görenler var

Fazlayım ben… Öyle mi? Usum düşünüverdi. “Bu mevsime tam parlak mavi üzüm fazla gelirdi!”

Gerçekten mi?

Enter Your Mail Address

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