Zorunsuz Dehşet

Zorunsuz Yalnızlık kitabımı okumayanlara reklam yapmak için açtığım bu sitede…

Bu da ben değilim…

Ne kadar çok olmak istemediğim kişi ben değilim, değil mi? Bana da tuhaf geldi. Sanki fazla birileri benden olmadığım bir sürü birileri olmamı bekliyor. Ama unutmayın, fazla olan benim, fazla olan us düşünlerindekiler… Oysa indirimde tabak takımı almakla geçer ömür…

Kitabım dedim de, vahşet dehşet… Cinsellik, patlamalar! Ve sonra çıkanlar…

Tuhaf değil aslında değil mi? “Sen ancak bu kadar mısın?” diye alay edebileceğini sanana, “Al , benim kim olduğumu bilme ama piyasaya çıkardığım bu!” demeler.

Öfke… Hayatın gerçekliği buna mı dönüştü…

Hayatın gerçekliğini hissedebilmek için öfke mi duymak gerek?

Sevsek olmaz mıııı? Hani yetmişler falan var ya!

70’ler gibi giyinen kız, sana laf atan magandaya öfke duymasana! O da sevgi istiyor! Hani 70’lerdeherkesçikler cıbıl, parklarda bahçelerde!

Hiç endişe etmesin kimse, onlara saldıran kimse olmadı! Herkes cıbıl ve mutluydu!

Hadi ya!

Kızamıyorum da hiç kimseye… Ne derler, insanlık yelpazesi…

Kız mini eteğini kaldırıp parkta sakin oturan gri ceketli amcaya komiklik olsun diye donunu göstermek ister. İstediği tepki onun dumur olmasıdır, tepkisi alıp amca tokat atmaya durunca “İmdat polise diye bağırır. Yazın atlet giymiş, boyunlarında kızlar, “Özgürlük bu!” diye semtlerde dolanır. “Hayvanlar aç kalmasın!” diye dolanırken küçük erkek çocukları “Aslında biz açız!” diye düşünür…

Bir aralar çok parasızdım. O dönemlerde bir adam vardı, yok öyle özel ilişki, ne yapıyor bu insanlar diye onunla dolanıyordum. Malum, ben kuramsal fizikçi, sor bana anlatayım sana tantal elementi de yaşamın o zamanlar üçte biri çoktan ofiste geçivermişti. Dedim bir de şu insanları inceliyeyim.

Parasız dönemim, adamın dibine istediğimde takılıyorum. Kadıköy’de çatı katında oturan bir kızın evinde kendimi buluverdim.

Tamam, başlangıç noktam ben tuhafım da kızcağız garibim iki eşek kadar köpeği için yağsız kuşbaşı etten yahni yapmaya başladığında kaldım ama hani şu çaktırmamak gereken durumlar var ya!

Bildiğiniz, ama belki de biliyorsunuzdur, bir kilo yağsız dana kuşbaşından patatesli, havuçlu yahni yaptı sadece köpecikler yesin diye! İçimden, “Aman bir kase de bana verse!” diye geçmedi değil…

Benim Zorunsuz Yalnızlık kitabına da dehşet vahşet dediler de aman dedim, desinler, onların hayatı ne kadar ayrı bir korunmayla geçiyormuş…

Tuhaf, anlatırım da, ben tırlatmadan, arayı yaşamadan öbür tarafa geçtim sanki de… Aman kitabım korkutmasın! Dehşet, vahşet! Ne demekse…

Sakince bir kitaptır aslında…

Ha, hayır, henüz kendime o köpeciklerin yediği gibi bir yahni yapamadım!

Tanrı varsa istediğini doyuruyor…

Tevbe tevbe…

Enter Your Mail Address

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