Sinir Sistemi Çöküşü

Bu gece iki gün aralıkla kriz geçirdiğim ikinci gece…

Kafa biraz sıfırlandı. Sinir krizi değil aslında, İngilizce nervous breakdown diyorlar. Sanırım düşünsel sistem çökmesi anlamında…

Bir ara teee diyarlarda Türkçe’yi unutmamak için ne kadar debelendiğimi anlatırım. “Ama sen Amerikanyalarda yıllarca kaldın, neden İngilizce yazmıyorsun?” sorusuna cevap olarak, “I could have made your nanny forcefully read bible in reverse and then walk her to the idiotic sacrifice path, you…” (Ben senin ebene İncili tersten okutup kendisini aptalca bir kurbanlık patikasında yürütürdüm, sen…) demek isterken, oda arkadaşımın İran halısı üstünde neden ve nasıl ve ne güzeldir ki Türkçe tınısıyla yazmaya durduğumu da anlatırım.

Ama şu anda düşünsel çökme yaşıyorum.

Kulaklıklar başımda… Çok uzun yıllar önceydi, yaşlı bir kadın vardı. Ben müzik dinlerken odama girip sinir krizi geçirirdi. Onunkisi sinir kriziydi, bağırıp çağırmalar, nedensiz adrenalin patlaması ile üstüme atlayıp beni boğabileceğini düşündürmeler ve hatta söylemeler.

Sonra kulaklık edindim kendime. İstediğim gibi müzik dinleyebiliyordum, hatta şu anda düşünlerimi kontrol etmek için Hot Stuff, Donna Summer.

O kadar uzun süredir benim sinirlerimi çökertiyorlar ki, kulaklıklar kafada, bilinç artık durma seviyesinde, ancak elektroşok gibi beyin tedavisi yapıyorum.

Sinir çökmesi… Son iki günde iki kere yaşadım, çok ilginç… Şimdi kulaklıklar var da, yazabiliyorum…

Hop, önce beyin organınız, “Yok, ben biraz gideyim şimdi, katlanamayacağım.” diye gidiyor. Öyle uyuşturucu etkisi altında da değil, ben genelde 2500 promil yaşıyorum ama…

Tamam, konuyu açıklayayım da, anlayan zaten anlayacak…

Beni boğmak ile tehdit eden yaşlı kadın ki, boğmasına gerek bile yoktu, o aralar 36kiloydum, onu da sonra anlatırım, üstüme bütün ağırlığını verse zaten ezilirdim, benim odadan ses çıkmadığını duyunca bu kez de sinsice kapıyı bile çalmadan girmeye başlamıştı.

Kapı kilitlemek mi? Kendi beden ağırlığınızın üç katı birileri, güya iyi niyetli ama hayatlarında Türk dizilerini seyretmekten başka ilginç bir olay olmadığından nedense değil, nedeni açık Hansel ve Gratel yemeğe durmuş kötü cadılara döndüklerinde, küçük bir odada saçlar besinsizlikten dökülmeye başladığında, artık Rapunzel bile olamadan ezilmemek için o kapıyı kilitlemeyiveriyorsunuz.

Korku mu? Yok ya, onu çoktan geçip beden ağırlığınızın üç katı birileri üstünüze o kadar geliyor ki, hop, birden kafa “Dostum, şimdilik güvenli bir yere gidiyorum!” diyor ve her şey bir anda kendinizi bir video oyununda ancak yönettiğiniz bir kahraman olan bireyliğinizi koruma haline geliyorsunuz. Kapıyı kilitlersen üstüne yürüyecekler, kendini savunmaya çalışırsan kendileri fiziksel güçle daha çok bağırıp saldırıldıklarını söyleyecekler…

Neyse, kitabını bile yazdım bunların da daha basılmadı, nereden basılacak! Hayatım elimden çalındı…

Kulaklıkla müzik dinlemeyi keşfettim dedim ama kapı kilitli değildi. Ve video kahramanım benim kabusu başladı. Bu arada şu andaki müzik Michael Jackson, Dirty Dianne.

Sanırım karakterinizi saldırılardan kaçırmaya çalışırken video oyunu canavarları gelişip ayrı saldırılara başlıyorlar.

Kulağımda kulaklık, müziği istediğim gibi dinlerken, elbette elimde sigara, gözler kapalı, bira kutum yatak yanındaki eski sehpanın üstünde, benim mental savunmama mental ama manipülatif saldırılar başladı. Bir anda bira içip sızan, elinde sigara gözler kapalı evi yakma tehlikesi yaratan deli oluvermiştim!

Yuh dedim, artık buna kim inanır ama beni düşünsel çöküşe götüren kara cadı o günlerden sonra başı çekecekti!

Düşünerek mi yapıyorlar, bilemiyorum ama organize bir aktivite başladı. Kısa süre içinde ben tanıdığım kişilerin gözünde sabah kalkınca içmeye başlayan, öğlen olmadan çok önce sızdığımda elimde unuttuğum sigara ile ortalığı yakan birisi olarak anılmaya başlamıştım.

Yok içlerine şeytan kaçmış olamaz. Şeytan olsa iyi anlaşırdık. Orada olduğunu bile fark ettirmiyorsun ve tüm istediğin yalnızca seni tanıyanların bilmesi! Biraz da elbette müzik!

Unutmayın, yalnızca şeytan müzik dinlemeyi sevebilir, insanlar salak olmalıdır! Artık bu nereden çıktıysa!

Neyse, bir süre bana yapılan akıl hastalığı saldırılarına gülerek kendim olan sevimli karakteri oynatıp durdum. Votka martiniye votka bile koymadan içip böbürlenenler karşısında, tuhaf ensest ortamlarında birbirlerinin çoraplarını çıkartıp gizli sandıkları cinsel ayak ovalamalarını seyrettim.

Ve kötü olan bendim…

Kendi ayaklarıma bile dokunmam ben. Erken menapoza girdim, rahim organım çalışmaya devam etsin diye medikal bira mayası kullanıyorum.

Ama ben kötüyüm!

Şeytan! Valla onunla muhabbet, müzik gireceğim ama suçlulara o saldırmaz ki, o bakire kurban eder. Bunlar bayağı kötü!

Kiraya çıktım. Artık güvende olmalıydım, param da yok ama hahha, çocuğum da yok! Ne param varsa ben harcamazsam akrabalara kalacak! Bastım ulan parayı, bu gece vakumlu pakette pastırmadan 9-10 dilim bile yedim.

Benim düşünsel çöküş… Benim gizli hatta sızdılar… Kitabımı çok beğenmiş, “Sen bilinmeli, tanınmalı, unutulmamalısın! Kitaplarını tanıdığım yüze yakın, hatta daha fazla ressam, edebiyatçıya kendim satarım! Bana kopyaları ulaştır!” diyen o sevgili insana…

İki gece önce aradım. Merak etmiştim beni neden aramadığını. Telefonumu açmadı… Amcık, pardon kara cadı ona ulaşmış, hop gitti benim yazarlığım, oldum 2500 tehlikeli promil.

Beynim sağ olsun bir çekilmişti. O gece sinirsel sistemimi ne benim kontrolümde tutuyorsa o da bir gidiverdi, hatta dünya da selam etti gitti…

Hayatım gidiverdi… Hop! Siz var mısınız orada? Yazıyorum hala ama…

Acil numarası 112. Sabah saat 2, arasam mı diye düşündüm. Kafatasıma bir delik açsalar, oradan serum verseler… Acil ambulansında gelen abla bana bir sarılsa? “Yalnızca hala gerçek olduğumu bilebilmek için aradım…” desem…

Kimde ne kadar hala anlayış kaldı ki?

Gırtlağımı kesip karbonat bassam, İblis’in kendisi gelir mi? “Abi, Tanrı da sana kötü deyip kovulmana neden olmuştu… Hey dostum…”

O kadar gitti ki hayatım, artıkın güya tehlikeli ve korkunç olmakla ilgili şaka yapacağım!

Kulaklıkla müzik iyi geldi. Kiralık evdeyim. Hayatımı siz tutun bir ucundan. Endişe etmeyin sizin evinizde güya sabahtan içmeye başlayıp, sigaralarımla yangın çıkarmam…

Ben de birisiyim.

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