Zorunsuz Yalnızlık Adı

Biraz daha Zorunsuz Yalnızlık’tan bahsedeyim.

Tuhaftır önce aklıma adı geldi.

Elbette hikayesi de var, hangi geceydi, mekan neydi. Başlıyorum!

Düşünler içinde dolanırken artık fiziksel yalnızlık mıydı, duygusal yalnızlık mıydı, bilemem. Usun düşün yalnızlığı değildi ama. Düşünceler dimağda akıp giderken hiçbir düşün cümlesi öncesinde geleni, hiçbirisi sonrasında gelecek olanı yalnız bırakmaz.

Hatta bazen kalabalıklaşır usun içi. Düşünleri susturmak istersen susmazlar…

Ama o gece yalnızlık değil, farklı bir yalınlık hissinde bedenim, kalbim bir an bana o an için düşünmeme gerek olmayan iki yanım oluverdi. Paket doluydu, çakmağımın gazı ve hatta bir yerlerde bir kutu da yedek kibritim vardı. Kalbim kendisini idare ediyordu, yoksunluk ya da özlem hisleri yoktu.

“O halde,” dedim, “varoluştaki bu hal durumumu kendim yalınlık olarak tanımlasam da, yalnızlık olarak algılanabilir elbette. Yalnız, yalından daha sık kullanılan bir kelimedir. Varoluşun farklı boyutlarında, hatta uzak olmayan paralel evren denilen boyutlarda yalnızlık tanımımı istersem atabilirim. Müzik, kitap, televizyon, internet, bir cafe belki bar, hatta bu saatte matine varsa sinema. Şu anda elektronların yerlerini bulmak için yapıldığı gibi, varoluşta yerimi belirlemek için bir deney yapılsa, ‘yalnızlık’ halinde görünürüm.”

Tamam, belki benim usum biraz daha eğlenceli! Ya da fazla kalabalık da kendimi deneylediğimde genelde benzer halde olurum.

“Oysa, ben bu paralel evrenler olasılıklarında yalnızlık halinde olmak zorunda değilim…” derken, kitabın ismi beliriverdi: Zorunsuz Yalnızlık.

Kitabı yazmaya durduğum dönemler ve sonrasında ismi tuhaf bulanlar oldu, “Türkçe’ye yeni kelime getiremezsin!” dediler. Oysa getirdiğim terminoloji Türkçe’ye değil, varoluşa getirilmişti.

Kitap kurgusunda iki farklı karakter kullandım, tezat karakterler. Birinci koşul, ikisinin de bana benzememesi gerekliliğiydi.

Kendimden bahsetmem romanlarımda. Bana kişiliğimi kolay bir incinebilirlik içine sokmak gelir…

Bazı okuyanlar, “Bunları yaşadığını bilmiyorduk!” deyince de kısmi öfke, kısmi alay etme isteği… Çok kısmi düşün gelir de ses etmem. Onlar benim kurgularımdır. Kafka nasıl hiç hamamböceği olmadan hisleri anlatabildiyse, ben de Seyhan ya da Ceyhan olarak yaşamadım ve sonraki romanlarımdaki karakterler.

Ama yazarken usun düşünü gerçektir. Bazen düşün içinde bana aykırı diyebildiğim bir düşün us kalabalığında beliriverdiğinde ona uygun bir karakter yaratabilirim. Bazen bana uygun olabilecek bir düşün olur ama onu da farklı bir kurgu karakterinde daha iyi anlatabilirim. Kafka’nın Metamorfoz’u belki de odasından hiç çıkmadığı bir dönemde kapıyı açıp içeri girip onu hali neyse öyle gördüğünde hissedebildikleri olabilir, bilemem.

Ama kimi yazarlar da kendilerinden bahsederler, o da doğrudur. Popüler raf kitaplarından bahsetmiyorum elbette.

Kitap Seyhan ve Ceyhan’ın iki ayrı mekanda geçirdikleri aynı gecede kendilerini sorgulamaları… Yok daha çok kendilerini sorgulamadan düşünmeleri üstüne kurulu.

İkisi de zorunsuz yalnızlardan mı, yoksa kendilerini öyle olduklarına ikna etmeye mi çalışıyorlar…

İkisi tezat karakter olarak kurgulandı. Doğru, tezatlar ama hangi kutup sizi nereye çekebiliyor?

Hangi kutup sizi nereye çekebiliyor?

Umarım okuduğunuzda buluşma olasılığı doğar, benzer bir evrende…

Enter Your Mail Address

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