Çocuklara Sakız

Bir hikaye yazmak istedim…

Anlatırım bir ara, müthiş sakatım. Hani şöyle son bir yıldır yürümesini yeni öğreniyorum da,  bugün 300 metre yürüyüp en yakındaki markete gittim, hazır fincan çorba aldım, bez torbada taşıyıp geri döndüm.

Kendi kalbime çok gülümsedim. Beni tanıyanlar bilir, ne zaman yürüyüp eve varabilsem gülümsüyorum, yazıyorum, WhatsApp’tan lise listesine başardım mesajları atıyorum.

Bazen geceleri bina içinde basamak çıkıyorum. Ona tam bir yıl önce başlamıştım. Bir tanıdık beni on yıl sonra taksi ile Kadıköy’e kokoreç bira yapmaya götürmüştü, bir yıl önce. En son onun adını haykırdığımı hatırlıyorum… Kaldırıma çıkamadığım için…

Kadıköy’de basamaklar araba çarpmasın diye yüksektir. Sakatım ya, adımımı basamağa atıp kaldırıma çıkamamıştım. Hemen kenarda bir araba daha çarpmasın diye ne sesim varsa birisi beni kaldırıma, güvene çıkarsın diye tanıdığımı çağırıyordum…

Aciz olmak zor ama sakatsan başarabilmek de güzel!

Bir daha engelli olimpiyatlarında 400 metre yolu yürüyerek gidenler neden çok gülümser, alay etmeyin. Öyle büyük bir başarı ve öyle büyük bir sevinç ki.

Son adımın o 400 metre… Sonra seni seven birisi varsa sana sarılıyor. Düşmeyesin diye de sarılıyor, biliyor musunuz?…

Engelli tanıyanlar bilir… Son zorlama noktasıdır o final çizgisi…

Ve gülümserler…

Bir ara size MIT’de dallarda dolanırken geçirdiğim trafik kazasını anlatırım. Şimdi markete tek başıma yürüyüp, elimde küçük bir bez torba, eve güvene ulaştığımda gülümsüyorum. Bazen de ağlıyorum ama gözlerim de hasta.

Neyse, bir hikaye yazayım demiştim. Aslında gerçeği anlatayım ama bir hikaye gibi. Kısa cümleler olsun, kısa ışıklar gibi.

Bir sakat dünyasında evden çıkabildiğim zamanlarda beliren ışıklar…

Engelli değilim, sakatım! Tek engel ah şu… Pis kaza! Neden geldin ki!

Işıklara dönelim!

Markete girdim, küçük bir yer ama market. Dolanmaya başladım, omuzumda bez torba. Market sepeti almak bile aklımdan geçmemiş, olsun dedim ikinci koridorda.

Küçük bir çocuk markette koşuşturuyordu. Annesine gördüklerini söylüyordu koridorlarda koşuştururken.

Reyonlara baktım, zaten çok da taşıyamazdım ya, hazır fincan çorbası, bir iki küçük parça daha. Bir de mavi yastık kılıfları, salonda iyi gider dedim.

Kasaya geçtiğimde arkamda market içinde dolanan küçük çocuk ve annesini gördüm. Yalnızca ikisiydi. Annesi sözlerine sürme sürmüştü ama sanki o sürme onun o ince kadınsal, annesel güzelliğydi.

Bazen hani bazen sürme sürene baktığınızda o sürme süren elini, onda ayrı bir inceliği görürsünüz de, “Hayat güzellik olmalı, o da gerçeklik olan yaşamın bir parçası.” dersiniz ya… Deyin.

Döndüm, onlara gülümsedim. Gözüm yalnızca iki parça aldıklarına takıldı ama incinmesinler diye ne aldıklarına bakmadım. Kredi kartı slipini alırken çocuktan ses geldi: “Anneciğim, bir tane sakız da alabilir miyim?” O güzel sürmeli anne cevap verdi akşam yemeği için iki parça malzeme ile: “Elbette alabilirsin canım!”

Kalbim düştü… Kredi kartı slipi elimde, önceden söyleseydi ben alırdım diye ağlamak istedim. İncinmesinler diye dönüp sakız parasını ödemek de istemedim, hani kendilerini ezik hissetmesinler diye…

Kalben yardım etmek isterken incitmeden yardım etmek ne zor… Hani anne çocuğunun sakız parasını başkası ödedi istemez ya, incinir…

Öyle tuhaf bir zaman oldu ki, incitmeden gülümsetmek…

Analar babalar bilsin, ben hazır çorba alıp oğullarınıza siz gece evde pişirin diye bahşiş diye vermeye devam edeceğim ve bundan sonra markete gittiğimde sakız alacağım çocuklara vermek için. Siz benim kalbime güvenin, bende hata görmeyin. Görenler görecek, kalbim temiz ve kim ne derse desin, benim gülümseyen yüzüm güzel, size güzel.

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