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Bursalı değilim. Nereliyim, onu da çözemedim. Mecburi hizmet çocuğuyum, dört yaşında İstanbul’a geldim. Sanırım arabayı babam sürüyordu, eşyaları kim getirdi, hatırlamıyorum.

Elbette taşındıktan bir süre sonra dayak yedim. Öyle evin bahçesinde oynanmazmış, büyük şehir ya, ırz düşmanları küçük kızları kaparmış, onlara tecavüz ederlermiş. (Tecavüze uğranma olasılığı bana neden dört yaşında anlatıldı, onu bile bilmiyorum… Dört yaşında dayak yerken artık korkudan mıdır nedir, altına işemek gerçekmiş, onu biliyorum.)

Sevdim İstanbul’u, orada gençlik denileni yaşadım ya… Sahilde martılar vardı, herkes kalabalık içinde gri kalıp dolanıyordu. Herkesin paltoları gri ya da siyah, martılar beyaz; yürüyordu bir sürü insan. Onların hepsinin birbirinden farklı olduğunu sonradan anladım.

İstanbul büyük şehir ya, hep küçük şehir denilenlere özlem duydum. Hani ırz düşmanlarının olmadığı, dayak yerken altıma işenmediğim şehirlere.

Benim tuhaf bir anneannem vardı. Ben mecburi hizmet çocuğu, 80’lerden önce doğudaydık. Annemler artık iç savaş mı deniliyor, o dönemlere biriktirdikleri ne paraları varsa İstanbul’a tayin istemişler, çıkınca da bizi de kapıp gitmişler.

Dayımlarsa tayinlerini ‘çıkarta çıkarta’ Bursa’ya çıkarmışlar.

“Siz büyük şehirde yaşıyorsunuz! Annenin babanın otomobili var! En lüks yerdesiniz! Kimse başaramadı bu devirde bu kadar zengin, otomobili olmasını! Siz çok zenginsiniz!”

Anneannemde bir tuhaflık olduğunu, böbür olabileceğini anlamıştım ama işte dört yaşında anlayabilsen de tuhaf bir şekilde; artık kendini sevdirme isteği midir, “Ben İstanbul’dayım, orası küçük şehir Bursa!” diye çıkıvermiştim. O zamanlar arabanın adı da otomobildi.

Günü geliyor ama, çocukluğunun kandırılabilir saflığına gülüyorsun.

İstanbul’dan başka her yer küçük şehir, anladınız mı? Sevimli olabilmek de güzeldir.

Sonra bir gün Bursa…

Bursa yeşil… Irz düşmanına yeşil gösterirsen korkar kaçar, unutma.

Dedim ya, anneannemin böbür noktası. Biz zengindik İstanbul’da. O kadar zengindik ki, memur ailem bana okul önlüğü alamamıştı. Garipler ancak kumaş aldırtmış, ondan önlük diktirmişlerdi. Ama terzi abla, “Yok, bu daha şık durur!” diye standart önlüklerden de dikmemişti. Hani biz zenginiz ya, öyle herkese karışabileceğim okul önlüğünden olamazdı!

Ama ben İstanbul’daydım.

Ve ama Bursa… Irz düşmanına yeşil göster, artık güvendesin, dört yaşında olsan da, hissetsen de…

Dayımlar Bursa’ya taşınmışlardı demiştim. Biraz dayımdan bahsedeyim de Bursa bana ne anlama geldi anlarsınız.

Dayımın ne işte çalıştığını bilmiyorum ama devlet memuru gibi bir şey olmalıydı. Ne bileyim, anlatmadı kimse, “Hışş, hışş aile sırrı!” dendi. Kesin bir gizem olmalıydı.

Bildiğim şu: 80 ihtilali öncesinde dayım artık kimdiyse, kapmış beylik tabancasını, hükümet konağı istila etmiş! “Çabuk sağcı solcu gençlerin birbirlerini katletmelerini engelleyin. Kalbimiz kan ağlıyor, gençler ölmesin. Benim tabancam var!” demiş. Hükümet elbette benim dayı için gelmiş, iç savaşı engelleyemeyeceklerinden onu kandırmışlar, sonra deli demişler, tıkmışlar bir yere!

Benim dayım çok yüce bir adammış, gençler için kalbi kan ağlarmış ve Bursa’da yaşamış! Beylik tabancalı, şahin gözlü!

Bunu elbette anlatan ailenin kadınlarıydı. Artık onların hayal gücü müydü, bilemem. Ben sevmiştim Bursa’da kahraman bir dayıya sahip olmayı, hem de kocaman hükümet konağı basmış, gençler ölmesin diye.

Bursa kahramanı gördüğüm dayımın şehrine gittim. Yanımda tuhaf bir adam vardı, sürekli konuşurdu. Sürekli, sürekli… Sonra bir adam daha beliriverdi, o da o adamın peşinden dolandı, o da konuşmaya durdu. Adamlar sürekli konuşuyordu…

Tecavüzcüye bile Bursa yeşili gösterirsen güvende olunur diyerek, beni Bursa’dan kopartmaya çalışanlara yeşili gösterdim durdum da susmadılar. Ne konuştuklarını bilmek bile istemedim. Bilseydim, Bursa’yı ben de kurtarabilirdim dayımın yeğeni olarak!

Hem de dayım Bursa’da diye gitmiştim, konuşmaya değil. (İnsanlar tuhaf olabiliyor, bazılarına en güzeli gösterseniz yorum yapmadan, konuşmadan duramaz.)

Dayım sessiz bir adamdı. Bana herkes uzun boylu gelir de, (Kısa olduğumdan olduğu açıklamasını da duydum.) uzun boyluydu.

Bursa kahramanı; ben geleceğim diye kasaptan bütün tavuk bile almış, kendisi pişirmiş. Yanına da biraz yeşillik. Onu yemiştim o gece.

“Sana tavuğun göğsünden vereyim!”

Minnetle şükran duymak ne güzeldir. Hani açsındır ve birisi gelir der ki: “Sana yalnızca doyasın diye bir yudum vermiyorum. Biliyor musun, seni önemsediğimden tam tavuk aldım, tamamını yaptım. Ve biliyor musun ki, senin tavuğu göğsünü seveceğini düşündüm.”

Bir yudum rızık sofrasına oturacaksın, bir kuru ekmek rızkın olsa doyarsın, bir yudum da su. Gitmiş, düşünmüş, tam tavuk almış ve hatta pişirirken belki önce göğüs kısmına biraz daha yağ sürmüş… Bursa’da oturan kahraman dayım…

Neyin varsa şükran duymak ve bir yandan minnetle… Ah, bir anlaşılsa… Yürüdüğü yolları seninle paylaşmak istemiş, rızkından emek parasını sana vermiş ve hatta sana sevgisini vermiş de göğüs etini seveceğini düşünmüş…

Düşününe ve kalbine minnet ve olduğu kişiye şükran duymak… Bana Bursa kahramanı dayımın hissettirdiği bu olmuştu.

Ben bir aralar tam 42 santim boyundaydımve dayı adı ile bilinen o adam beni sevmişti. Öyle sessiz bir adamdı ya, sessiz adam sevgisiyle sevmişti.

Büyüdüm mü, bilemem ama bedenin boyu tam 1 metre 58 santime ulaşmıştı ve o bana hala çok uzun boylu gelen dayı isimli adam bana tavuk pişirmişti, yanında salatayla. Anladınız mı? Yanında salata da vardı.

Ah be anneanne… Bana, “Siz İstanbullu zenginlerdensiniz!” yalanını söylemek yerine, “O senin dayın, kanın aksa, ondakinde akan kan benzerdir!” diyemez miydin?

O yüzden Bursa kahramanı bana hep, dayı adı ile hitap edilebilen amcalardan biri olmuştu…

Bursa?

Çok konuşan iki adam, sürekli konuşuyorlar. Yeşil dedim, susmadılar. Dört yaşında olmak mı gerekiyordu Bursa’nın yeşili ile kötülük olabileni engellemek?

Bense kahraman dayımın o gece uyurken ısınmak için verdiği yıllık battaniyenin kokusunu severek,sokaklarda, konuşan adamlar anlamasalar da “Yeşil beni koruyacak!” düşünlerinde…

En işlek cadde üstünde adını hatırlamadığım bir sanat galerisi var. Giriyorsun, güzel kalpli birilerinin renklerine baktıktan sonra yola çıkınca, sonu kahraman dayının evi. Oradan buradan otobüs denilen oturgaçlıgötürgece binersen yeşil cami, bir yerde ulu cami de vardı, sonra yeşil türbeler…

Küçük harfle yazdım isimlerini. Güzel adamlar inşa ettirmiş ya da onlar için inşa edilmiş ya. Bir zamanlar 42 santimdim ya, duysalar gülümserler dedim.

Ulu Cami’de bir amca kaptı beni. Bana basma etek giydirdi. “Aman amca!” demeye kalmadan, çok uzun gelen basma etekle takılıp düşmemeye çalışarak namaz kılanlara saygıyla, sevgiyle bakıyordum.

Bana bütün şeytanlar saldırsa bile çözümü bulmuştum ya! Ne dua okunmak gerekiyorsa, “Ulu Cami’deki amca biliyor hepsini! Bana saldıramazsınız, ona sorarsanız cevabı verecek! Bana basma eteği o giydirdi, hem o Bursa’nın yeşilinden!” diyecektim.

Kalkan…Dua kalkanı, kalbin kalkanı, yeşilin kalkanı.

Türbelere gittim. Hani şehzadeler, padişahlar gömülmüş ya.

Ne güzeldi. Hani türbeler hep ayrı hisler verir bana ya. “Hissini nasıl bileceğiz?” demeyin. Birisi çıksa dese, “Bir zamanlar tam 42 santimdin. Sonra tam 1 metre 58 santime uzadın! Ama meyve vermese de yeşermesi bizim kalplere meyve verdi! Ve biz seni anmak için kubbe diktik başına.”

 Yoksa boyumun uzamasının önemi nereden gelir ki? Ne güzel… Sanki geride kalan iyi insanların iyi niyetlerini duyabilmek için ahiret olmalı, ya da dünya…

Yanımdaki o iki adam sürekli konuşuyordu. Bense Bursa’nın yeşilini kalkan tutuyordum seslerine. Sonra, ‘Yağız bir gençti, yağız bir adamdı, her baharda yeşeren bir filiz, bir ağaçtı!’ diyerek onların türbelerini yapan çoktan ölmüşlerin fısıldamalarını sessizden duyunca, sürekli konuşan o iki adamı umursamadım.

Unutmayın, kalkanım vardı yeşil türbelerde.

“Ey ahali, ben boyu uzayan, Uludağ zirvesinde yaşayacağım, dağ eteğindeki ovaya tarla ekin, renk renk, yeşil, kırmızı, mor! Ben 42 santim boyundayım, ova besin dolsun! Haneleriniz biraz uzakta olsun ama herkesin nimet bolluğunda rızkı olsun!”

Bursa ovası beton binayla dolu. Uludağ sisleriyle, “Sen yeşil oğlansın.” diyebileceğini bekliyor. Kahraman dayım toprak altında, tavuk parçaları buzlukta.

Kıssadan hisse: Bazısına yeşil göstersen konuşmaktan dönemez. Tanrı varsa, bebeleri yeşille korusun.

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