Birisiyim de Adım da Var

Bana ‘kendinden bahset!’ dediler, ne diyeyim ki? Hah siz beni birisi olarak görmezseniz ne kitabımı alırmışsınız, ne de beni tanımak istermişsiniz!

Vay be…

Kendini pazarlamazsan ürünü pazarlayamazsın!

Yuh yuh da, bunu düşünmeyi sizin uslara bırakayım… Ne acımasız değil mi? Ama başta kime acımasız, biliyor musunuz? Kendi usunuza…

Hadi bakalım, pazarla kendini… Nereni? Kafacığını… İçinde ne var? Uslu beyincik…

Tuhaf oldu, tuhaf…

Neyse, kendimden bahsedeyim!

Ama kendimden ben bahsedeceğim…

Doğdum…

Doğdum, doğru ama doğum on üç saat sürmüş. Annem hastaneye doğum için gidip doğum pozisyonunda yattığında sancılar kesilmiş. “Çıkmayacak herhalde bugün!” deyip eve dönmek için kalktığında şiddetli sancılar tekrar başlamış…

Bu durum, ortalıkta da acil doktoru değil, yalnızca ebecik olduğundan 13 saat sürmüş. Sonunda annem, “Kızım, bu çocuk yatarken doğmayacak, sen şunu ben ayaktayken doğurtuver.” demiş…

Çıktığımda renk mor ve göbek kordonu boynuma defalarca dolanmış haldeymiş.

Açıklama göbek kordonu boynuma defalarca dolanmış haldeyken, annem yatar pozisyona geçtiği anda hareketsiz kalacak kadar boğulmam… Ayağa kalkınca kordon gevşeyince debelenmeye başlıyormuşum…

Bazen 13 saatlik süre içerisinde defalarca boğulduğundan, eee elbette oksijensiz kalıp beyin hücrelerinin bir kısmı öldüğünden, diğer gariban hücrelerin iyice aktive olduğunu düşünürüm…

Doğru; MIT mezunuyum, hem lisans hem doktora, hem de ikisi de kuramsal fizik. Albert Einstein’ın meslektaşı oluyorum o noktada!

Yine de bazen bazı konulardaki sessizliğim, bazı konulardaki tepkilerim ama daha da güzeli bilim olsun, yazmak olsun, us düşünü olsun farklı bir hız mı desem, farklı bir anlayış mı desem, düşünmem.

Tuhafım, biliyorum ama nedenim var! Doğmadan boğuldum!

Bunu bildiğinize göre ben istediğimi yazacağım şimdi! Yazık deyin!

Beni doğurtan ebecik bakmış bana. “Bu bebek yaşayamayacak… Bırakılır zaten o… Günü gelir Allah’ın karşısına çıkarılırsa bari garibanın bir ismi olsun…” deyivermiş, kulağıma kendi adını fısıldamış: “Feride…”

İyi niyet bebeğiyim. Bazen düşünüyorum da yirmili yaşlarında genç bir ebenin duasıyla kuşanmış doğdum…

Çok severim adımı… Böbür değil bu… Hani sanki genç bir ebe sevmiş beni boğulma morluğumda… Öyle ayrı bir dua okumuş ki, mosmor olmadım hayatta.

Allah varsa, Feride Ebe’nin iyi niyet duasıyla karşıma çıkarsa bir gün, onu da anlatırım.

Şimdi altmışlarında olmalı. Belki torunları olmuştur, o doğurtmuştur, onlara da güzel isimler fısıldamıştır.

Ne güzel, değil mi? İyi niyet bir yerlerde var.

Soru şu: Sizin us düşününüz nasıl patladı? İyi niyetin olduğunu düşünüp gülümsediniz mi, yok aslında diye karamsarlığa mı kapıldınız? Yoksa kendi yaşamınızda yok diye, “Ebesine!” diyecek hale mi geldiniz?

Cevap sizin…

Kötü niyetle hissetmek ve ondan zevk almak kendisine kız arkadaş bulamadığından küfrederek şişme bebek yapan adam hali gibi midir?

Unutmayın, ben doğmadan boğuldum, belki iletişim hücrelerimdir giden.

Usun düşünü, kopmayın henüz…

Davranırsınız kendiniz bildiğiniz olarak ama o us artık neyse düşünür ya… Tuhaftır… Gülümsediğinizi boğmak mı istersiniz, küfür etmek istediğinizi tanımak için bir çay içmek mi?

Bu gök kubbenin altında olan herkes aynı gök kubbenin altındadır.

Ama herkes aynı aya yıldıza aynı bakmaz, değil mi?

Enter Your Mail Address

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