Anneyi Ben Buldum

Sonra anneyi ben buldum.

Üzüntüden ölmek olasıymış…

Hani filmlerde, dizilerde olanlar olası olamaz ancak kurgu olur denir ya (olanlar olası olamaz gibi cümleler beni editörlükten çıkardı…), bana oldu. Aslında anneye oldu da ben şahit oldum.

Aradan iki yıl geçti, hala kavranası bir olay olarak göremiyorum. Önce biraz ağladı, ama çok nadiren. Ben duyarsam üzülürmüşüm diye ağlamaya başladığında salona geldiğimde beni kovalıyordu. Ben dedim, şimdi artık kocalık neyse, kadıncağızın gitmiş, baba ne yapıyorsa ben alayım üstüme. Torbalar taşıdım, salondan sesi geldiğinde buzdolabında nereye koyulduğunu bilemediği kırmızı biberleri buldum. Babanın babası Bektaşi imiş, arada abilere gizli baskı yaparak anne mutlu olsun diye şarap aldırttım. (Babanın babası Bektaşi ya, yani benim dede, baba çok tuhaftı. -Yalnızca benim baba değil ya, genel baba kelimesi kullanıyorum- Özel günlerde şarap açardı. Yıllandırılmaya uygun diyerek memur maaşı ile şaraplar alırdı, hani yıllanınca çok daha lezzetli olacak diyerek yatak altına saklardı. Bir ara sakladığı şişelerin sanırım 8 tanesini içiverdim, nedense saklanması gereken şişeler birden onların uyudukları yatak bazasının içine yatay dizildi. Elbette anlarsınız, yatak bazasında saklanan şişeleri bile oradan alacak olsaydım, problem bende çıkacaktı!

Marketten alınan, yıllandırılabilir denilen şaraplara kanmayın. Tıpa çürüyor, şarap ekşimeye başlıyor.

Ama baba azimle 10 yıllık market şaraplarını özel yemekler için çıkartırdı. Özel yemekler… Yılda iki defa balık ve rakı balık olayını kabul etmezdi. Karnıyarıkla kırmızı şarap açardı…

Çok zekiyim ya, ekşimiş şarapları ben içersem yenisini alırlar diye düşündüm sonra bana çok içiyor etiketi bastırıldı.

Bir bağa giriyorsunuz, üzüm var. Seçenekler şunlar: Üzümü yiyebilirsin ama bağda bol var, saklaman gerekir. Fazlasını pekmez yapabilirsin, hatta mayalayıp şarap. İkisini de kullanabilirsin.

Sonra seçim şu geliyor: O bağda gördüğün tazecik nimet üzümleri günü gelip ekşimiş şarap olacak. Ne yapacaksın?

Zeki bir adam “Sirke olarak kullanırım.” demiş, ben üzümleri anarak sirkeleşmiş halini içtim.

Baba gittikten sonra anneye abilerden gelen şaraplardan arada koydum. Artık o salonda, ben kendi odamda yemek yiyordum. Küçük salatalar yaptım. Abiler geldiğinde yaptığı yemeklere yardım ettim. Ah ah, ben kahramanım diye değil, altı tepsi mantı yapardık. Hamuru o açardı, ben keser, sonra o kıymaları koyarken ben kapayıp kurumaya bırakırdım.  Her tepsi arasında uyumaya çalışırdı.

Canım acıyor…

Her sabah saat kurup kalktım. Hani sabah kahvaltısını yaptığına emin olmak için. Sonra geceleri bazen yalnızca çorba içmeye başladı. Çorbayı salona taşırken tabaktan döküyordu. Kaydım düştüm de sonradan anladım, yalnızca bir tabak çorba içecek ya, o yüzden tabağı fazla dolduruyormuş…

Geceleri ona süt içirmeye çalıştım, istemedi. Sıcak süt hiç sevmezmiş, soğuk süt karnını ağrıtırmış…

O sabah kalktım, bankaya gidecekti. Hani kasten yapmışlar gibi banka bir türlü erkek kardeşine para yollamak için gereken kartı postadan ulaştırmamıştı. Evden çıkmadan iyi olduğuna emin olmak için kalktım, salonda artık çalınmış olan masada yemek yiyordu. Bir parça peynir, yarım dilim ekmek.

İyi gibi geldi bana. Evden çıktı. Odama girdim, geri dönüşünü beklemeye başladım. Bazen dönerken alış veriş yapardı, aşağı inip arabadan torbaları alıp ben taşırdım.

Saat geçti, gelmedi. Kızdım, gelmesi gerekiyordu. O yaşta ne yapıyor olabilirdi? Pencereden baktım, araba otoparktaydı. Aklıma bina vergisi ödemek için Belediye’ye mi gitti diye geçti. Biraz bekledim, telefon ettim, telefonu açmadı. Sıradadır diye yine bekledim, hani onu panik yapmamak için. Üçüncü kez açmayınca abiye mesaj attım, “Anne ortada yok, panik olma, haberin olsun.” diye.

O sırada apartman görevlisi servise geldi, anneyi görmüş mü diye sordum. “Arabaya baktın mı?” dedi, güldüm.

Tanrı varsa çok acımasız… Apartman görevlisi çok iyi niyetle söyleyiverdi de şu Allah söyletti olayı var ya… Ya varsan zerzevat Tanrı, bari vereceğin haberi bu kadar acımasız verme…

Gülümseyerek üstüme yalnızca ince bir polar alıp park yerine indim. Elbette araba boş olacaktı, anne son birkaç saattir arabada olamazdı.

Yaklaşırken arabanın içinde onu gördüm. Dedim ya, 80 kiloydu ve bir gözü kördü.

Kapıyı açtım. Emniyet kemerini çıkarmış, araba anahtarını da çıkarmış, yan koltuğa bırakmış… İki eli hafif yumruklanmış dua pozisyonunda…

Şah damarına dokundum, ölü katılığı çoktan vardı. Apartman görevlisini aradım….

Garibim, bankaya gitmiş, eve kadar gelmiş, arabayı park etmiş ve yolda kimseye zarar vermeden evin park yerine park edip, emniyet kemerini açıp, kontak anahtarını yerinden çıkarıp, ölüm ona geliyor hissedip, ellerini dua ile açmış, beden kasılırken gidivermiş.

“Hahhahha, sen bu yaşta araba bile kullanıyorsun!” arabasında. Tabutlarından bir oldu ama endişe etmeyin, cilası yapıldı, kullanan var.

Neyse ya, severdim onu anne olarak bile değil, kör kadınımdı o benim…

Bir böcek bana, “Senin annenle baban mı öldü? Hahahha!” dedi.

Acımasız olmanın meziyet olmaya durduğu bu dünyada; yaşlı bir adam ve yaşlı kör bir kadın patlıcan musakkası ile ekşimiş kırmızı şarap içip mutlu olurlardı.

Belki bilmek istersiniz. Zaman ve mekan bir anda yürürken, olmadığınız bir zaman ve bir mekanda, onların gerçek olduklarını ben gördüm…

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